I woke up this morning and checked my phone; it said 3:35 AM. Naturally, I was pissed. Why is it impossible to get a good night’s sleep?
But I have accepted my fate, and so I let it go. After lying down, unable to sleep, my brain immediately started spiraling cause why would I have peace or sleep?
It’s nearing 6 with no sleep in sight, and my thoughts get dark. I started feeling angry at myself. My brain is running amok. I am asking myself so many questions I felt like I was in a 50 Cent song for a while.
- Why are you still stuck here?
- Why has there been little to no growth?
- What’s up with the quitting?
- Why do you lack the staying power?
- Why can’t you make a plan and stick to it?
- Why can’t you get your butt out of bed in the morning?
- Why is everything a struggle?
- How long are we going to be fighting this fight?
- Is it even possible to win?
- Am I going to be disappointed all my life?
- Why not start now?
It went on and on, and I was just fed up with myself. I was so angry with the entire situation that I couldn’t even fall asleep.
It started a spiral that I am not proud of, but it gave me a solid kick that I desperately needed. Some people say you need to get rid of the negative voice in your head, but hateful, spiteful me can spit the right amount of venom to get me up.
I think this is from a lack of coddling as a child manifesting as aggressive self-talk in adulthood, but it works. Especially when my psyche has gotten to this point, niceness is not going to work on me.
The moral of the story – Self Hatred turned into the PROMPT I NEEDED TO GET STARTED!
